Ron.

2012-01-29T12:06:00.003+08:00

i was warned prior that this great migration to the west will stir up some potential discord among even the closest groups of friends. and i remember telling myself that regardless of the circumstance, i must learn to keep my cool and maintain my composure. unfortunately, i failed. not once but probably twice or thrice.

there's really no point in dwelling on the incident since what's done is done. and there really isn't a need to point fingers now. all i really need is for things to eventually settle down and hopefully get back to normal soon.

all these conflicts are starting to raise some red flags. things i want to happen can never be satiated and things people want from me can never be fulfilled as well. it's just our inherent characteristics, personality, and identity that make this problem persistent right from the very beginning. and thus it leads to me think if everything was even right and complementary from the start? i used to believe that there was some truth in it, but now i'm starting to see holes in this argument.

the saddest thing out of all of this is that: i actually feel relieved to be sitting here alone right now typing this entry that probably no one will ever read. I feel like can finally be like my usual self when i'm in my room at home in the middle of the night. I can wreck havoc and throw pillows around and have no one bother me and be affected by my mood. I can do what I want when I want and not having to compromise. I am responsible for my own well-being and no one can criticise or make snide remarks in sarcasm.

i hope that there would be more than one person in the house in time to come, but I feel perfectly comfortable being alone right now.

and did i ever thought of waiting up? sadly enough, i didn't.

2011-11-21T22:43:00.001+08:00

everyone around me seems like they are getting to places where i want to be in the future. yet i am extremely unmotivated. i seem to have lost a lot of my drive to work hard. i want to be extraordinary. but...

being ordinary and happy has its perks. tsk. sian.

2011-08-27T00:59:00.002+08:00

sometimes if we try our best to let our worlds overlap, the common ground may prove to be one of the best friendship we will ever have. they may be busy as hell, probably way busier than ourselves, but they make the effort to call, talk, speak up, laugh and spend time with one another.

this transcends distance.

2011-08-22T23:49:00.003+08:00

u disappointed me today with your words.

u make it sound like i'm losing my interest and enthusiasm when in fact all i ever cared about was how to make u smile.

it feels terrible.

2011-08-14T13:09:00.002+08:00

everytime i see a particular conversation exchange between A and B, i get so pissed off and it ruins my day.

why am i so easily affected.

2011-08-07T20:09:00.002+08:00

i feel like i have moved on the next phase of my life. i find myself increasingly concerned about how the working world is going to treat me when i do graduate in two years time. i mostly enjoy what i study, which is finance, but my greatest fear lies in the potential stiff competition i will face when i apply for a job at the bank of my choice.

with the US, Euro and pretty much the rest of the world getting themselves into a fucked up debt crisis, i can only imagine what the job climate will be like when i graduate. there are thousand and one other finance grads that are equally, if not better than me. they are confident, they have a wide network of people to namecheck their way up the career ladder, they are people who have interned with great firms, they are more willing than myself to take a bigger risk to work long and scary hours. they are people that i am not.

i figured that i am a competitive bitch. not in the SMU-backstabbing way, but the if all my friends are at a great place in their lives i would feel depressed if I weren't equally as capable kinda way. some looks like they are on their way to working at GIC, while others are pursuing high-flying corporate finance jobs at jp morgan chase. others are working their way into the dean's list, and scoring A+ for all their modules. i feel quite inept in their presence. I always believed that I would become someone greater, so i guess I ought to work harder. after all, no pain no gain.

perhaps i need to step up. i only have two years. and i want to provide for the people that i love. and before i do that, i need to be very certain of what i want to do, how i am going about it, and finally set the train in motion.

the fear of being inept is my greatest motivation.

2011-06-26T15:31:00.002+08:00

it's not strange that i feel the way i do, despite the incessant inner rantings that urge me to change my ways and mentality. maybe he's right, i can never break out of this weird mould and i can only continue to simmer in silence and somehow try my best to let them all dissipate away. i can break out into a forced smile but that's about the max i can go. the rest is history.

i can never change. admitting it isn't gonna it happen as well.

2011-05-23T22:58:00.003+08:00

*edit*this is the one aspect that means the most to me in my life, so please don't let it leave me. please.

i am so fucking scared that things will fall apart that i will give up 5 years of my life just to make things right.

2011-04-13T12:00:00.002+08:00

so much work, regret, envy, exhaustion, disappointment.

no friends.

2011-02-18T02:11:00.003+08:00

today while driving around, and brooding over one of the crappiest moment of the week, i realized that the period when i felt really smart and confident (despite the whole weight issue) was during my secondary school years.

It was then when i felt that i worked really hard and my efforts paid off. I managed to find myself in the top class (to me it felt like the best feeling in the world to be there), and getting distinctions for my projects left right center. i was chairman and i was fat, but i was satisfied with all the academic achievements in my life. getting 23/25 for geography tests were the norm, and scoring 50/50 for my trigo paper was probably one of the highlights of my life.

my confidence was defined by my achievements, and in turn, my achievements were defined by the grades that i scored in the exams, relative to the other people around me. the PSLE aggregate score, the O-Level L1R5, and even the A-levels, despite all the other nonsensical stuff going on around me, all these made me feel like i was the cream of the crop.

then came JC, where even though i wasn't really aiming for any of the S Paper crap, i still managed to pull through with my grades and that made me continuously believe in myself. But the competition was getting stiffer, and i knew that, but i just decided to give competing a miss, knowing that joining in would serve to make me a competitive bitch that i so scorn upon.

Ironically, deep down inside, i am still that same competitive bitch that i used to hate in school. I like to feel like i did better than the rest, because it made me feel like i was entitled, and smarter than the rest. it made me feel confident; it made me feel like i'm better than the rest. I wanted to be better than the rest, because i wanted their respect.

Army came and went, and though i wasn't an officer or a spec, i was glad i remained a trooper. In hindsight, i probably would have gotten way fitter and slightly richer with all the training, but circumstances then didn't permit me to pursue that option so i'll leave it as that. nonetheless, i always strive to excel in something (and in this case it was probably running & SOC and till this very date, i'm so DAMN proud of the fact that i completed my SOC course in 8:57 and my 2.4 under 9:30.) I needed to feel like i was the best in something, so that I can continue to feel confident and lead my life.

Then came my working experience with Transinex, where I was regarded as so-called the 'better' intern working there at that time, so much that I was asked to do an overseas sales call, and had sales credited under my name. For the first time, I was actually a valuable asset to a company and that made me feel on top of the world (at least for a few days). I didn't really feel I was competing with anyone there, but it did make me feel more confident as a person.

Finally, all the confidence came crashing down when i reached SMU. i'm not sure if its the change in my attitude from a once-hardworking bloke to a currently-lazy slacker. I realised that my studying method has evolved over the years, and not in a good way. I find it really difficult to memorise anything because somehow, it would just leave my brain. I keep practicing sums, over and over, but I just end up not being able to remember the steps under pressure. It was the first time in a really long time that I realised there were some things that i really sucked in (like LOGIC (wth rite?) and ACCOUNTING) i've kinda lost my groove in some areas, though i believe i still possess it in others.

But this one particular test has made me feel really terrible. There's so much at stake over here, and I've psyched myself up for it so much that I know i can't really fail here. I don't want to not be able to achieve the goal that i set for myself. But in my current state, i'm nowhere near my target. Coupled with the fact that people around me are getting all these chances that I'm not getting, makes me feel as though I'm left behind. Bad grades, lack of opportunities contribute to poor achievements and hence low levels of confidence. Everyone in school is so friggin' smart, and here i am trying to stay competitive but to no avail.

Confidence is definitely at an all time low.

2010-11-06T02:56:00.002+08:00

greyer skies

i know that the real world works differently from how i perceive it to be. and its really sad because i know that is the real world, but i also indignantly choose to live the way i live and refuse to conform to it.

i am afraid that if i do so, i will no longer be able to behave like a child with no worries and sit around and do things without any regard for consequences.

this situation has an uncanny resemblance to how the army works. and having gone through it, i'd probably experienced it first hand. but i guess i was seeking a reprieve by trying to escape this entire farce of a world. and now that it'd hit me, i guess i'd have to smile at that conniving bastard, and shake the hand of the backstabbing pitch. keeping a mask on at all times has never been so important.

its so sad, because if i do conform to this, that will mean that i have grown up.

and if thats the pre-requisite of being a grown up, den i'd rather not be one. Nonetheless there's no stopping of time and the elements, and eventually i'll just grow up to be one.

Somedays if i could play god, it would be really sweet.

so much. angst.

2010-07-29T03:26:00.004+08:00

ron - iron filings and magnetised steel

sometimes it's hard to deal with silence in the middle of the night when you're pretty much used to having a voice around you all the time. i wished i was a better person sometimes but people slip up, and i just happen to slip up a little more often than others (perhaps).

i seem to be repeating myself a lot whenever i promise not to make mistake A, but i end up making mistake B, and when i'm done with B i move on to C and so on and so forth. the thing is there are so many different kinds of mistake out there in the world to make, but i choose to view them such that i eliminate them little by little, knowing that each time i disappoint someone, i inch one step away from being a bad person.i hope that i'm less of a bad person, and at the same time, for everyone's patience to not wear itself out.

while speaking to a friend on a similar topic, i decided to revisit some ancient chat logs and relive certain interesting memories that shaped me into the person i am now. i feel like a different person reading about someone else, and trying my best to visualise how i was like during that time, and whatever that was going through my mind. it was a distant memory, but i still managed to be drawn to fragments and pieces of it, like iron filings onto shards of magnetised steel.

i felt trepidation, indecisiveness, excitement, sweetness all at the same time. but most of all, i was really really happy at that time, despite it being the middle of my exam period. it was the start of everything i have now, and it made me realise how much all this means to be now. i mean i do treasure what i have now, but in retrospect the value of everything seems so much higher.

i feel more cheered up after going through the chat logs and chatting with a friend, watching a few youtube videos etc. but the blackberry lying there light not flickering doesn't help the general cause.

and i don't mean to be negative and down about everything, but until a grunt comes my way i think it ain't gonna be easy to sleep in peace.

well, my just desserts.

2010-03-08T01:27:00.002+08:00

ron - before we come undone

dear diary

i feel really upset today. i feel like i need to take a step back and hide underneath my bed for a while before i can climb out again and take in the fresh air. i seem to be letting myself down with my choice of words each time i subconsciously rattle off and offend the closest people around me. i guess i am definitely way more expressive (in both tangible and intangible ways) of my feelings than i'd like to be.

i love these people a lot, probably a little too much for their liking. i only wish for their smile and happiness, and i definitely never meant to create a situation whereby we'll all have to retreat into our shells and lick our wounds. i only wish to give them a nice little hug at the end of the day and tell them we'll always be there for one another, but i always end up weakening the very foundation of our existence. and then we don't hug. and we'll all be feeling like crap for the next couple of hours.

do i wish that we'll all stay happy together forever? yes.

i need to do something to make myself more of a worthy person so that they all can lean on me whenever and wherever.

this time it's different, and i'm not going to ever screw it up like i did before.

ron

2010-03-03T23:16:00.002+08:00

ron - balls of stress

i find myself moving away from my blog, maybe because i found someone that i believe i can share intimate details about my life with. and i found myself a nice group of friends that i can hang out with in school. and i found myself a comfort zone in the form of 3 other people too.

but i guess i still need a little place to pen down my thoughts occasionally.

it has been really stressful in recent weeks. people are just breathing down my neck with assignments after assignments, powerpoints, reports, midterms, budget sheets, networking session what not. sometimes i really wonder how other SMU @-ers handle the workload + @ stuff + other commitments.

i feel really really tired.

and i really do need a nice little 24 hr break away from work.

2010-01-26T23:19:00.002+08:00

ron - random acquaintance

i don't know why but he has a certain allure. because despite all the social awkwardness, he has an arrogance and a flair that makes him slightly different from the rest. he knows what he wants, he is truthful to himself and the people around him, and even though he doesn't mince his words, he is a nice soul deep down.

things are definitely different now, but i think i still respect him a lot.

2010-01-15T03:24:00.002+08:00

ron - toxic spam

sometimes when i accidentally commit myself to something that i wasn't really sure about at the beginning, the consequences will start to emerge eventually. eventually is now. all the spam keeps entering the mailbox and each time i see the email, i keep feeling a gush of guilt, inaptitude and annoyance. i want to remain radio silence.

i keep receiving repetitive messages regarding all the things that i am completed uninterested about and i keep having to convince myself to (attempt to) read them. the lack of passion only serves to drive a wedge between me and the organization and i really feel a little lacklustre and under the weather of late. i like to do things as i please. it would be exceptional if everything had fitted perfectly into the grand scheme of things. and seriously, now is not the best time to settle any organisation-related stuff because i really need to concentrate on my modules and the people that really matters a lot to me.

it has always been a choice, and i'm really afraid that if i choose my modules and my friends now, i will not be able to carve out a nice gleaming path for myself.

then again, life ain't about a gleaming path. maybe all i need around me are just the friends and family. and perhaps a good night's sleep.

2010-01-08T23:24:00.002+08:00

ron - silent rant

i really want to slack off this semester.

but i don't think i can afford to. crap.

2010-01-01T17:44:00.002+08:00

ron - last year

i like how the rain fell on my parade, and washed up all the pre-existing stains and piled-up litter. so despite losing a couple of important things along the way, i think i gained more than i have lost.

and it is always for the better.

somedays i still feel like i don't really want to talk to anyone, but i always end the day talking to at least 5 so that's a step in the right direction.

even thou i may sound hating, disgruntled and spiteful vocalising some of my thoughts, i always do (subconsciously) pray for the betterment of others (in general).

i maybe a little too overconfident for my own good, but i worked hard so i deserve that level of confidence. and so im gonna continue with the overconfidence.

i enjoy being optimistic but i do need to inject some form of realism in my mentality.

i like how things are working out and it's no longer complicated. it's simple now and i'm glad. =)

2009-12-17T16:26:00.002+08:00

ron- i gotta feelin'

i don't think i should be feeling the way i am feeling, but sometimes i can't but feel that way.

in any case, nlds was great and i loved it loads.

2009-12-06T15:56:00.002+08:00

ron - smile

some feelings are inexplicable and clearly it has been a hurricane whirlwind of sorts. i don't regret any moment and each passing day brings greater excitement. the smile made sense.

at worst i feel bad for a while, but then i just smile, and went ahead and smiled.

=)

2009-11-24T21:27:00.002+08:00

ron - risky business

i always end up taking risks. and that's just who i am. and maybe it is really an unknown, but i really choose to believe in the things i choose.

and so i breakaway.

i'm sorry for not hanging in there, but sometimes i believe 'in the stars' too.

2009-11-20T00:29:00.002+08:00

ron -six degrees of separation

if the decision was made on my behalf, my life will be so much easier. unfortunately, freedom of choice comes with mental conflict.

it's all about the six degrees of separation.

2009-11-17T23:29:00.002+08:00

ron - anti-gravity

it is strange why i get a little too perturbed by the what-could-have-beens and what-should-have-beens. i don't think i should feel the way i am feeling because it borders on misadventure and repeating a mistake. and repeating a mistake is worse than shooting oneself in the foot, literally.

lines of weakness are starting to show and infallible isn't the word i can use to describe anymore. the alternative word in place ought to be 'human'.

despite the potential impending disaster, there is always a way to avert it. i should be able to do just that. barely. scrapping through.

2009-11-14T01:11:00.003+08:00

ron - lost then found

Why do we say things we can’t take back
Why do we miss what we never had
Both of us fell to the ground
The love was so lost, it couldn’t be found
Why do you tend to forget whose vain
I’m tired of crying out at the sound of your name
Why don’t we turn this around, love ain't the enemy
Don’t you want to be lost then found

nicely done by leona lewis and one republic.

2009-11-12T23:07:00.003+08:00

ron - a vacation can calm the mind and sooth the soul

i feel excited that the term is coming to an end. it's gonna be a potentially interesting two months to come, but seriously, i don't think i should expect anything more than what i already have.

while on vacation, i spoke with the bunch about their problems, and even though i didn't really relate much about my fair share of issues, i was constantly thinking about them anyway. anna's no.3 situation somehow mirrors mine. they are really many underlying dissimilarities but the principle concept is more or less identical.

i am not upset or sad per se, but i know i really ought to bide my time. and despite the very inherent and innate lack of patience on my part, i know that it is a chance that i choose to take. so. like john locke says, "all it takes is a leap of faith."

nowadays i still ponder, but i no longer vocalise as much as i used to. this is progress. or it could very well be a mere illusion. but at least it is a step in the right direction, or so i think.

2009-10-29T21:59:00.003+08:00

ron - i like me

i like how i'm always optimistic, and being able to turn my occasional-depressing mentality around. i like how i deal with all the things thrown my way, and finish them up in double the speed and hurl it back in the opposite direction. i like how i am comfortable with the idea of doing things alone, because whoever said that we needed to work or move around in herds? i like how i'm focused and driven by one goal and not falter. i like how i'm always taking the time off my schedule to indulge myself with retail therapy, food therapy, or tivo therapy.

i really like being myself. but i like something even more.

2009-10-27T00:07:00.003+08:00

ron - things to write about

1. proaction cafe
2. age-gap story
3. efficiency
4. hkg trip
5. glee
6. orange memoirs
7. school

i promise to write about them when i eventually have more time. till then.

2009-10-17T02:07:00.002+08:00

ron - cipher

i was reading through my previous entries (203 of them) and i realised that they really do reflect how i feel about certain things at certain points in my life. i enjoy reading what i write, because i liken it to decrypting a cipher.

everyone who reads it may grasp the gist of the entry, but no one can ever fully understand what i am referring to. and sometimes even i am unsuccessful.

2 years ago, on july 13 something really nice worked its way into my life.

then so many things happened in between.

and now, more than 2 years down the road, i still feel the same way. probably a little stronger.

i'm a different person i think, but i still feel the same way.

i am still cryptic too.

2009-10-11T00:13:00.004+08:00

ron - workaholic nerd

people have been commenting on how much of a workaholic i am.

but they just haven't caught me when i'm all covered under my blanket, or when i'm sitting in front of the computer re-watching episodes after episodes of LOST, BSG, GA and 30 Rock. they just haven't caught me mall-hopping chalking up club 21, isetan and sushi tei points. they just haven't caught me driving home at 3am on the occasional saturdays. they just haven't caught me when i'm running rounds after rounds at bedok reservoir.

nonetheless, it doesn't disprove anything. i believe i am still a workaholic at heart, because i like to plot data points on scatter graphs, read the FA textbook, rattle on about probability functions and go all 'nlds' mode.

there is a fine line between workaholic and nerd, but then again they're not mutually exclusive. and it doesn't matter if i cross it, because anyhow, i am a cool nerd. =)

and i am a cool nerd who wants to visit his friends in new york, chicago, london and melbourne. =(

2009-10-06T12:41:00.001+08:00

ron - dead beat

i am uber stressed.

damn.

everything is breathing down my stupid neck.

sigh.

dead beat.

2009-10-05T00:20:00.002+08:00

ron - clarity

i know that this is the one that will blow me away.

i'm more certain than ever.

and i'm gonna do everything i can, and i'm really gonna wait out.

it has never been clearer.

2009-09-29T22:04:00.002+08:00

ron - belief

its my 200th post today.

i guess i'm slightly happier today. i need to constantly reassure myself, refresh my psyche, remind myself that i will be able to make a positive change. Before sitting back and hoping for the best.

I need to believe in myself.

Because when i do, i can believe in something more.

2009-09-25T22:50:00.003+08:00

ron - distance = 9, displacement = 1

i was having so much fun.

i was lying in bed all 49 nights thinking about the potential permutations and combinations that laid in store. i was secretly scampering around putting things together to complete the project (or at least getting it started). i was doing things with a motivation set in stone. i was busy trying to recollect and piece parts of a distant memory together. i was sharing my joy, laughter, pain and tears with a close friend. i was planning for a future that i didn't know anything about. i was smiling at my blackberry 70% of the time i saw the red light flickering. i was thinking about various likes and dislikes whenever i graced the walkways of ion orchard, forum and paragon. i was looking at my clock and going +2. i was writing lists after lists after lists. i was writing in that orange book all sorts of feelings associated with a certain vision.

but. i received a text. and now my psyche has changed slightly.

i am still gonna have fun, but there's always this constant reminder to pull me back into position. And that position really really suck.

so five steps forward, and four steps back. so what is the total distance travelled and the total displacement travelled?

beats me.

2009-09-23T23:23:00.002+08:00

ron - face in the crowd

i was walking down citylink today and i saw that familiar face again. That one familiar face that never fails to interest me. It's almost strangely coincidental that i always spot that familiar face around the vicinity of city hall, marina and suntec. and the strangest part of it all these 'coincidences' happen on an almost-regular basis of once every two-three months.

but fate/coincidence issues aside, i spotted a grin on that familiar face. and upon seeing how things are working out rather well for that individual, i scurried off into the crowd with a similar grin on my face. i'm glad. =)

everyone deserves a little happiness in their lives. however small and insignificant.

2009-09-23T01:06:00.002+08:00

ron - buried

i am busy beyond belief.

It's like i threw it onto myself. which of course i did.

and the funniest thing is i enjoy it.

...
..
.

i feel accomplished being busy. ain't that weird?

must be my self-confidence issues.

i feel better about myself, and indirectly, i feel better about a certain vision.

2009-09-17T23:25:00.003+08:00

ron - insomniac

4am is the new 1am.

it is downright exasperating when i lie in bed at night and not sleep. my body is aching from all the running and other stuff yet my mind keeps conjuring up some kinda hypothetical busy schedule. I am not as busy as my mind suggests. period.

and so i turn from side to side trying to sleep. and eventually i do fall asleep. but here's the strangest thing. in the past, when i couldn't really fall asleep, i keep venturing into this particular dreamscape that kept me neither asleep nor awake. i guess you could classify that as being awake still. but now, all i need to do is to start venturing there and i'll fall asleep almost instantly. maybe its my subconscious mind dragging me in there now.

3 hours of sleep a day for 5 days straight. and i'm not even studying.

i am the new anna.

2009-09-13T19:45:00.000+08:00

ron - in my posession

despite all my complaints, i know that i'm a really lucky person already.

i have my goal etched in carving on my very wooden brain. and in order to work towards that goal, i have in my mind several projects. i have text to look forward to everyday. i have a stash of cash locked inside my chest of drawers that will be used for the purchase of an airplane ticket in the near future.

i have so many things to do, which is something i always secretly wish for but refuse to admit. i have all these random commitments here and there, and most of the time i am kicking myself in the foot for choosing to get involve, but i think i will enjoy it eventually.

i have a favourite subject/module to aim to get A for. the textbook is a friggin' bomb, but i like to scribble nonstop and balance the ledger. =)

i have a very nice lanyard given to me by anna and meixin. i have a hkg trip to look forward to (in the middle of the school term). i have to save up to buy that visvim backpack.

i have a new 2nd favourite show in the form Glee. the music is so addictive, and makes you wanna dance and sing along to the music. i have to practice that on photo booth.

i have myself. and i have you. and i have a nice vision of the future.

2009-09-09T21:50:00.001+08:00

ron - 09-09-09

Today's spposed to be great day.

1) There's Accounting, and i love accounting.
2) It's 09/09/09. It's only rock and roll, but we like it.
3) 102 for GLEE and i'm a GLEEk.
4) Cljisters in the Semis, Murray Out, and Nadal back as World Number 2.
5) I have no tuition, I have lessons till 11.45am.
6) I get to go Rockymaster and drink Iced Mocha.

Alas, it isn't.

1) Cos every Wednesday is a disappearing act.
2) The guitar is a melancholic instrument.
3) I'm not trying to not lie to myself.

mood swings like a friggin pendulum these days.

i asked for it thats why.

2009-09-06T21:25:00.002+08:00

ron - last song syndrome

anna defines the last song syndrome as a playlist where she dumps all the songs that keep repeating themselves in her head, pretty much just like it being the last song that she'd just listened to after reluctantly removing the headphones from her ear.

Well, some songs just doesn't get out of my head does it?

'oh i just can't enough, i'm astute i need to fill me up, it feels so good it must be love, Cos everything that I've been dreaming of, I give up, I give in, I let go, let's begin, cos no matter what I do, oh, oh my heart is filled with you.' You Got Me, Colbie Caillat

'We are who we were when, could have been lovers but at least you're still my day late friend....' A Day Late, Anberlin

'I never meant to start a war, you know i never wanna hurt you, don't even what we're fighting for, why does love always feel like a battlefield, battlefield, battlefield...' Battlefield, Jordin Sparks

He's there in the dark, He's there in my heart, He waits in the wings, he's gotta play a part. Trouble is a friend Yeah Trouble
Is a friend of mine Ahh....' Trouble is a Friend, Lenka

Bitter heart, bitter heart tries to keep it all inside, Bitter heart, bitter heart shadows will help you try to hide, Bitter heart, my bitter heart is gettin' just a little fragile, Bitter heart, bitter heart of mine....' Bitter Heart, Zee Avi

maybe my mind is internalising all the subconscious emotions and playing it like a broken record in my head.

i miss the twelve apostles! =P

2009-09-02T20:56:00.000+08:00

ron - hits and misses

actually if people got to know me slightly better, they would know that i love to talk. the only reason why i remain quiet is because they don't seem to want to get to know me better. lol. and thus i don't bother with them as well.

some random person tweeted this earlier and i felt it was kinda.. apt. I quote, "if i text you, it means that i miss you. If i don't text you, it means that I'm waiting for you to miss me.'

oh those sappy love songs, wide eyed bushy tailed squirrels... -.-

2009-08-30T00:42:00.002+08:00

ron - the nights are a little tougher

some days i feel a little weaker than others. when i wish time will pass a little quicker, so that i'll get to where i can see myself in the near future. so that i'll get be who i'd wanna be with. so that i'll get to say whatever i want.

i was at the esplanade with anna for several performances earlier tonight, and it kinda reminded me of certain memories. just today, just once in a long long time, i was slightly... sad. i don't know why i was feeling that way, but perhaps it was the venue, the performance, the past that kinda triggered this multitude of emotions.

obviously i don't express it that openly, but i was totally feeling it.

i kinda miss being around u. today, it kinda felt like eternity. =X

2009-08-22T08:51:00.000+08:00

ron - confessions of a wallflower

these days, i have been more sedated than usual. i believe that it's a good thing, because at least it keeps me focussed on the things that need my immediate attention. even though being focussed may not be sufficient for now, but it is the bare minimum and i can convince myself any day that anything grey is black.

i have been lamenting non stop to people around me how much i dislike having your tertiary education in Singapore.

It's kinda frustrating because when you turn your head to the left in the concourse, you spot someone familiar - your primary school nemesis. next you turn your head to the right, you spot yet another familiar face - the jocks in your secondary school. then you look ahead and you see yet another familiar face - you don't know where she's from but you know you've seen her before. The whole friggin' world is at the SMU concourse! Well, if you know me well enough by now, i don't exactly enjoy seeing the same human scenery my entire student life. Case against.

There's this strange notion in the education system in Singapore. I'm not too sure about that with regards to overseas education, but in Singapore, they tend to take this passive aggressive stand on making 'compulsory' things voluntary or worse still, voluntary matters compulsory. Case in point, CCA and Community Service. Well, CCA is technically not a requirement, but somehow it has the effect of amplifying your CV or resume for that future dream job. And when the whole world is somewhat involved in some form of weird society or crappy sport, you just feel like its 'compulsory'. Community Service on the other hand stems from self-volunteering, but when your school deem it as a prerequisite to obtaining your degree, i can't help but wonder: isn't this a example of compulsion to perform a voluntary deed? Whoever mentioned that volunteering should come from the heart clearly got his or her facts wrong. The latest trend in SMU suggests otherwise. Case against.

You would think the tapestry of fellow peers with various exuberant personalities would somehow convince me otherwise. Unfortunately, it is ingrained in my genes that i totally abhor 'ra-ra' and all the 'lets get it going and bring this house down'. People think it's fun to play with sand and jump into the water, roll around in the mud and chase one another. How is that fun? Self-depreciating humour is way better than that. Case against.

Few weeks ago i went to Melbourne and crashed my friend's lectures @ the University of Melbourne. It kinda felt like JC all over again, but with more freedom to move around. No passive aggressive compulsion to take up a CCA (you do it only when you passionate to). No compulsory Community Service (once again you do it to while away your time and if you really support the cause.) You could do things alone without feeling so alone, because it seemed to be the natural flow there. You feel like a happy and contented wallflower, because almost everyone else is one too.nd And oh the weather. the weather. and the leafless trees.

Unfortunately, I have zero cash and negative foresight, and so i will walk along the concourse and say hi to the familiar face right, left, ahead. I will join a weird society and take up a crappy sport. I will perform 80 hours of Community Service to obtain my degree. (No i still won't play with sand and jump into the water, if case you were wondering how far i would go)

i will grow to love studying in Singapore. I'm sure about that. -.-

2009-08-15T10:46:00.000+08:00

ron - curveball

I know that it takes time for everything to sink in, but i hope that at the end of the day, it will pay dividends. Because i was honest, and because i needed for everything to be out in the open and because i needed to be truthful. So now that everything is transparent, it can only get better.

I stick by that notion, and I believe in something greater too.

Give it time, and probably another shot at making it right.

2009-08-09T12:15:00.003+08:00

ron - sunday morning

winter is perfect, and despite how much i can't tolerate the frigid weather, its still nice. =)

Sunday morning rain is falling. Steal some covers share some skin. Clouds are shrouding us in moments unforgettable, I twist to fit the mold that you're in. But things just get so crazy living life gets hard to do, And I would gladly hit the road get up and go if I knew, that someday it would lead me back to you, that someday it would lead me back to you. That may be all I need, in darkness he is all I see. Come and rest your bones with me, Driving slow on Sunday morning and I never want to leave.

It's kinda apt.

Back to cryptic! haha. =P

2009-08-01T23:14:00.001+08:00

ron - financial discipline

They (equivalent to almost every single one of them people who reads my blog) have been implying that 'Emo' is sprayed-painted all over my blog entries. Is that so? If that constitutes 'Emo', then they haven't had a real taste of 'Emo'. Hah! I have been cutting down on the outward display of 'Emo', and I have been pretty much happy-go-lucky these days. So... they haven't seen 'Emo' at its maximum.

On a lighter note, let's talk money (and fashion).

I have been working for approximately 7 months and I haven't been able to save up much due to several reasons, which include small and rash purchases, discounted luxury purchases, vacation purchases, transport and meal purchases, etc. And now, I'm gonna embark on this particular 4 year academic journey that will effectively render me penniless by the end of the 3rd month (of 48 months). And I haven't had much luck with tuition for next year considering that my students will terminate my contract by year end. All these money issues have been driving me delirious, to say the least.

Alas, I'm not alone, for i have a dozen other friends mired in deep shit just like myself.

One perfect example is my ex business partner, Kenn. He's going to NYU to study for 3 years (i think) and he's been like saving up for his NYLE (New York Luxury Expenses over a course of 3 years) but he's periodically tempted by the smaller irrelevant purchases. Like all the Fred Perrys, and Pedros, and what not. He's been reminding me to remind him not to overspend prior to his departure so that he can save up for ~~his daily expenses~~ that elusive Jack Spade Macintosh messenger. And clearly, I have been doing my job considerably well.

I was turning the corner along Kate Spade at Raffles City today, then i spotted the JS Macintosh. However it wasn't my kind of bag, so I just walked away. Then i spotted another JS messenger stashed away at the bottom row of another shelf and it caught my eye. Not many commodities can tempt the living hell out of me, but this was one brown leather messenger that did just that. I wanted to pick up the bag to take a closer look, then the small scribble of a 3-digit number caught my eye again. I just backed off and walked outta the shop, turning my head again to take one final look at the JS messenger. I'm crazy like that I told you. I haven't been thinking much of it since, except the act of blogging about it.

So I have somewhat mastered the art of financial discipline, at least for a short while.

Don't question me if you see the JS messenger strapped to my back come end August. I will look at you, then ask about the weather.

-----

Since i do have financial issues, there's one other alternative solution - that is to buy during a great sale!

And so adidas was kind enough to inform me that there were discounts of up to 70% off at their stores in Pacific Plaza and Iluma. And knowing how much of an adidas whore i am, needless to say, i made my way down to adidas this evening to take a look at the stash they had available.

To my utter ~~surprise~~ shock, they had some parts of the Adidas O by O collections available (strangely I never even got a chance to see that collection in Singapore, except for my short trip to BKK in May). The Jeremy Scott collection was heavily discounted, considering the fact that the collection includes a yellow disco jacket with sequin all over, and a leopard print sports jacket, just to name a few. I may be adventurous with my dressing these days (like the orange shirt), but this was way above my league. The discount for the other O by O collection was minimal, so i didn't get anything, but yes i was tempted to get another adi-diesel jeans.

But once again i restrained myself.

Hah! Kenn should learn from me!

2009-07-27T13:36:00.000+08:00

ron - the greater good

Someone mentioned that we shud never invest so much into a particular endeavour especially when you don't exactly foresee whether it will in fact, become a success. I ought to fault myself since I never actually followed the rules. And now it kinda sucked.

There's so much more beyond the existing endeavour, potentially a successful scenario in the future, but at this very moment. This exact moment. I am notably affected.

I guess the other rule applies too: somedays we have to sacrifise certain desires/necessities in order to accomplish the so-called greater good.

The greater good better be the best. Else I ought to shoot myself in the foot.

Den again, its obviously ironic. The very fact that I'm giving up this desire in a bid for the greater good suggests that I'm over-investing once more. So there you go.

I'm perennially mired in these really really crappy situations that never gives me closure.

Just another day in my strange life.

2009-07-24T00:13:00.002+08:00

ron - singular

Most recently, I have been plagued with deja vu. I wouldn't consider it a travesty entirely, but it has been really tugging at my heart strings.

And today. Finally. I decided to take a stand. It may not sound like much, but I guess it feels for once, I managed to step out of my comfort zone and do something different. It is for the greater good (at least that's what i believe for now).

I don't know if what I'm doing is the right thing. But if i truly believe it is time to let loose I shall. The same rules apply when i take on a separate endeavor.

I have to stop being the way I used to be. So I am going to change.

2009-07-21T23:04:00.003+08:00

ron - cloudy

I always find myself revisiting this particular decision in my life that I'd made a few years ago. I believe that the primary reason is because I kinda regret my decision then. So perhaps, subconsciously, I feel like I need to reselect the alternative.

Sometimes, i just brush off these thoughts.

Sometimes, i brood a little, then look at some other flower.

Sometimes, i brood quite a fair bit, sit and think a little longer, then go straight to bed.

But when i find myself face to face with the same decision again, what will i do?

It was always something that was written in the clouds, but i guess it's about time to hop on board that hot air balloon, and hopefully, catch a glimpse of it.

I believed I never stop dreaming of flying. And as much as I try to conceal it, an incomplete dream unfulfilled will always remain a dream. waiting to be fulfilled. awaiting completion.

2009-07-19T19:10:00.003+08:00

ron - inherent traits of my personality

Clearly, I have lost my direction.

Working was supposed to be my thing, and now that I have given that up, I have all the time in the world to do whatever that needs to be done. Except for the fact that I have nothing that needs to be done. Which leaves me with so much time on my hands and absolutely nothing to do. How pleasant.

I do admit that i can get really irritating at times. I complain when I have too much work on my hands with almost no time to rest. I also complain when I have too much free time on my hands with almost nothing to do.

It amazes me why some people can always find something to occupy themselves, while i find it so difficult. Maybe it has to do with the fact that I have very specific interests, and I find myself resisting the opportunity to try something different. Obviously, that is inherent in my personality.

So the big question: Should i embrace these irregularities?

Everything and everyone points to the obvious answer.

But sometimes I'm just too stubborn.

2009-07-15T23:45:00.002+08:00

ron - two faces

maybe it is just a coincidence. when these similar situations present themselves to me time and time again. and i constantly have to question myself, where i am headed for and the possible repercussions.

this whole thing feels like the flipping of a coin.

and i'm just going with the flow.

2 more days of work before i'm free. i feel like going to HKG!

2009-07-10T00:19:00.002+08:00

ron - my service ace

tour leading has its own charm. despite having to handle possibly the trickiest and bitchiest person around, it was really really fun to interact with all of my participants.

i don't know, but i think i really aced this one this time. and i'm glad that i'm leaving with a bang.

i'm glad that everything turned out much better than expected, and i think i can end my working stint, proud and happy of all that i have done, and the things i have learnt.

i have to agree with everyone on this. if i can survive and thrive in the harshest of conditions, then i would have gained the ultimate satisfaction.

i'm proud to be a part of all of this, and i'm proud of myself, for all the things i have done. no one can take that away from me. =)

2009-06-28T21:26:00.002+08:00

ron - my power position for approximately another 18 days

i'm feeling really good about where it's heading, but as always, the residential devil in my head costantly remind how fragile everything is at the same time. and yet i am persistent in my positive beliefs, hoping that i can get this whole nonsensical and unexplained self-deprecation out of the way.

kudos to my emerging positivity.

damn. i am good. i'd easily convinced UW Singapore to provide me with complimentary passes for a site inspection, when obviously im just using my nice little inbound designation at the office for my personal gains. (UW better not read this or else i'm kinda screwed)

i love the idea of working alone in my own department, because i don't believe i can really trust anyone with any form of work unless he/she has proven to be competent. like what AS and elly mentioned, it is time for me to move on to the next rung of the bloody ladder - mentoring. i am the kind who is unwilling to easily let go of my duties and see everything i have worked for crumble like a house of cards in a tornado. Strange that i only trust myself with my own work, yet i want to rest all the time. i'm happy to walk away from it all with a wry smile on my face, but there's always that niggling thought that whoever who takes over my work better ace me. or else. i also can't do anything.

i'm a workaholic and sentimental like that.

i like my power position. while it lasts.

2009-06-21T22:13:00.003+08:00

ron - fooled by splitter

which is worse?

busy monday OR lonely boring sunday?

imo, it's comparable.

okay, fine. i admit defeat. i shall welcome school with open arms, and hopefully it can keep me occupied, grounded and busy enough to not let me sit around and wait for things to happen.

2009 has been a great year so far, but some other things need to be on the up as well.

i can't ask for too much, or can I?

anw, no more splitter for me. i like ron way better.

2009-06-18T23:23:00.003+08:00

splitter - foolishly counting down

i told elly i was counting down today.

i have to admit that i am rather excited to go back to days of lazing around in bed at 11am, albeit for a short few weeks. i am glad that i can push aside that mountain load of operation files sooner rather than later.

but who am i trying to kid here?

obviously i acknowledge the very fact that i am the biggest contradiction amongst all the people that i have been acquainted with. despite the damn workload off my chest, i can almost be certain i will be wishing for work to fall into my lap as soon as i realise how boring life without work can get.

in addition i probably will miss hanging out in the presence of female company. it is so interesting to work in a female environment, more so when i'm pretty much one of the few males around. i will miss anna and serchin and elly and pam and april more than others.

what.to.do.

life.goes.on.

and on a really really separate note, i hope my little cat stays close to me for a long time to come. =)

2009-06-07T22:16:00.002+08:00

splitter - don't be fooled by the outer surface

it is indeed difficult to manage everything all at the same time.

my priorities have not changed.

but sometimes i think my supposed determination is starting to crack, revealing small lines of weaknesses.

opportunities are limited. it has been quite disappointing.

channeling disappointment into optimism has to be the next task at hand. pretty much a perennial task actually.

2009-05-26T22:00:00.003+08:00

splitter - dear fool

dear fool

as smart as you appear to be, sometimes you just do the most unfathomable things. you can answer all the questions, and complete all your work on time, but you can't ever resolve your issues.

you can sit around and pray for the best things to come, and even act on strange requests all the time, but you can never understand why you have come to attempt such acts of foolishness.

you know that you're too nice for your own good. you know that sometimes there is always this slight chance that things won't work out nicely and end up crumbling like when a house of cards in the wind. but still you choose to work your ass off.

you know a little bit of the inside, though not completely, and always have these urges to question and question. but you never do open your mouth and persist with suffering in silence. you attempt to confide, but there's no one. you attempt to sleep it off, and most of the time it works, but the same cycle repeats itself come nightfall.

still you eventually fall asleep.

sometimes you disagree, but you give in. all for that slight twinge of the lips, hoping that it would break out into a miniature smile.

you are such a fool. but you are happy.

yours sincerely
ron

2009-05-22T00:23:00.002+08:00

splitter - fooled by false optimism

some days i get more disappointed than others.

while im having to wait for the timing to be right, i need to constantly remind myself why im doing all of this, and what it is for. i am secretly confident that everything will turn out just fine, and that i wear a nice smile on my face the day everything worked out.

i am always believing that effort begets results, and after all the effort and time and money and sweat and tears that i have committed, i will be content.

but i also know that the higher my expectations, the harder the fall when it happens. and that is a really really scary proposition.

words can't exactly express my feelings.

i miss my cat.

2009-05-16T21:57:00.002+08:00

splitter - fooled by television personas

all the tv over the past few days has been overwhelming.

kris (over danny) made it to the final two. how delightful indeed! adam we all knew was a shoo-in, i never had much of a doubt that he would make the finals. but kris, my cute smiley-face and humble and small-town crooner kris, took a huge stride forward in the form of kanye west's heartless. and it was simply marvellous.

no doubt that adam is miles ahead of kris, but there is something about kris that makes me wanna support him. (i figured it ought to be due to the underdog/dark horse syndrome) adam's has this stunning performing capability about him, but somehow it is not entirely translate into an audio file. In this aspect, kris is the antithesis of adam. the heartless studio recording and many others, were great.

lost is just omfg.
poor poor sawyer.
poor poor juliet.
poor poor sayid
poor poor ben.
poor poor locke.
poor poor jacob.
but we all know who was dealt the finishing blow - the audience.

grey's anatomy is just -.-
post-it? are u kidding me?
enlistment? are u kidding me?
stairway to heaven in a prom dress and military suit? are u kidding me?

i need to wait for everything to sink in first, before i can watch gossip girls.

rest in peace, the characters that i have come to love, whatever your fate may be in the next seasion.

2009-05-08T00:00:00.002+08:00

splitter - the fools have it all

i am utterly confused. i am supposed to sit back, and relax, and let everything play out nicely. everything is supposed to be fine; we will speak and communicate well, spend time with one another and eventually i will get my happy ending.

or not.

i am trying everything in my abilities to remain calm, cool and collected. i am trying my best to keep a nice distance so that privacy is supposedly not infringed upon. i am trying my best to show my constant presence at the same time. i am also trying my best to be there when i'm needed, and not needed.

but it is such a tiring process.

I have to stare at the same words over and over again just to stay focussed and not potentially give up.

maybe i'm a fool. but i guess only the fools have it all.

2009-05-03T23:55:00.002+08:00

splitter - an american fool

it's been a while since i last watched idol. the last time i did follow closely was like the season where chris daughtry got voted out prematurely. den i stopped.

and now this season is such a bomb.

omg, the final 5 rocks (for once).

adam lambert is like emo broadway week in week out, but i can't say i don't enjoy his performance. He is such a flamboyant performer, i can't help but gasp whenever he does that high note from time to time.

allison is like the uber underdog. She's sucked it up and hung in there week in week out and i shudder when i do hear her sing Aerosmith's hit single. in the most positive ways obviously.

matt giraud is seriously good. but i don't like him all tt much. but it was sad to see him leave after the veto. like.. whats the friggin point rite?

danny gokey is like. blah.

and we have kris. damn i love kris. he is like the so-called 'contemporary crooner', and when i see kris, i see jason mraz and i love mraz to bits and pieces. i need to hear him sing everyday. im slightly addicted.

okay, i figured im doing an elj* so i shall cut the crap.

i'm feeling good about some stuff here and there, and i hope im not falling into one of the usual traps i always step into.

meow

2009-04-21T08:31:00.002+08:00

splitter - dream a little dream of a fool

its impossible for me to express in words how i feel right now. it's like I'm shooting myself in the foot, or deliberately falling into a trap.

it wasn't like i couldn't sleep the entire night, but i was dreaming of the craziest things. it was like an imaginary sequel to a series finale. it was hardly vivid, but the vagueness of it all is more than sufficient to make me feel a certain way. a certain nostalgic way, yet it sounded like doom from the start.

i believed that by opening the door again, i was able to rise above it all and turn a blind eye to the bad stuff and embrace the good stuff. Maybe it was a little too early on my part.

As the blackberry sit silently on the table as i speak, i find myself veering over a little too often for my comfort. To reply or not to reply?

the strangest part of it all, is that i still care.

then i realised it ain't that strange after all. i just being myself.

2009-04-19T10:02:00.002+08:00

splitter - a fool's handshake

i guess the sales call to hk was much needed. it allows my mind to be filled with workstuff 24/7 and at the same time, enjoy the country in a non-leisurely fashion. and i am still persisting in my efforts to slap myself out of my usual contradictions.

on some days, i still feel bitter at everything. i wish that they would never ever find the thing that they've been looking for all these years. i wish they were only momentarily happy, but never contented with their lot.

but i know a wish is one thing, reality is another.

besides, i think my inner conscience speaks for itself.

i need to give a nice handshake and walk away from everything, smiling.

that's my own wish.

reality, more than often, is never the case.

2009-04-14T23:19:00.002+08:00

splitter - a fool is a walking contradiction

everytime i see that doggy bank on my shelf, i am skewed to thinking a little too much.

today i saw it on sale at one of those gift shops, and my mind kinda ventured a little too deep into my stashed away memories.

some weak part of myself wished things had never changed.

some illogical part of myself was willing to subject myself to all the negativity just in exchange of small portions of positivity.

i have to slap myself out of this contradiction.

and so i did.

and poof. away to hk i go.

2009-04-10T00:47:00.002+08:00

splitter - fooled by bad friday

i feel like writing a nice little letter to ivan. old school is good, old school is romantic and old school is the current fad for everything chic. ivan is living the high life (that i wish i was living). how unfortunate on my part!

these day, the amount of work dumped onto my table is as great as the amount of paper that TSXTT use on a daily basis. in addition, they also dump people onto me. i feel even more indispensable now. -.-

i wish i could let everything stay in the past. share a handshake, a pat on the back, and hopefully become friends again. i sincerely wish for that. but i don't know how to handle the part when i get slightly nasty and spew a whole mouthful of inappropriate words. i wish we were friends, but i don't know how to handle being friends.

takes slightly longer than usual, i guess?

i am dead beat.

2009-04-05T23:18:00.002+08:00

splitter - caught by a fool

i realised i have been eating like crazy for past month.

I think i had to do with March being my birthday month, and yes. March was uber stressful.

Today i was out, and i was walking and walking and i spotted someone that i always meet on the streets. Someone that i knew. Someone that was my friend. Someone that grew distant eventually. Someone that i only meet only during special occasions now.

how weird.

good catch? bad catch?

something tt i just have to live with. for now.

2009-03-31T22:53:00.003+08:00

splitter - fooled by fading dissent

just the other day, yb and i were discussing about how difficult is it to forget everything about someone. and he told me about how he always had those distant memories float around from time to time.

'when they give you a message from time to time, could it be that they're missing you?' yb quipped.

perhaps? maybe it is a thought too deep, but i do believe that there is a whole lot of truth in it.

but yet at the time, the negative consequences are more than enough to turn any potential sms into empty drafts that sit silently in the sms outbox/draft folder. i want to forgive and forget, but sometimes it requires a lot more than i can provide, so i continue to sit on that small yet somewhat significant amount of dissent. i'm just waiting for it to fade away.

secretly, i'd rather it not fade away, because if it actually does, it probably spells yet another unpleasant encounter.

i have to shake that tag off. now... or never.

2009-03-22T09:01:00.003+08:00

splitter - less like a fool

it seemed a really long time ago that i kinda felt really unsatisfactory about myself. i used to be upset over the slightest things and always felt the urgent need to fit in everywhere. how i needed to be part of things and in the loop whenever something happened.

then came these strange few years that sparked a change in me.

somehow i no longer feel the need to depend on social attention and be in the thick of things. somehow i learnt to be slightly tolerant and happy with my lot. somehow i managed to channel some form of inner calmness whenever i am in a stressful situation.

i can't exactly say that i'm reformed, cause i haven't sinned in the first place. Also, i only consider myself slightly better than before.

but at least for now, i am happy with who i am and the things i am doing. (almost all of them) and i guess there's nothing more that i can ask for at this moment in time.

maybe the bad memories do linger from time to time, but they always find their way to the back of my head eventually, and slowly the wounds heal.

and it is then when i am less like a fool.

2009-03-20T22:10:00.001+08:00

splitter -fooled by my wooonderful katy perry

"I like experimenting and I’m totally OK with ending up in the ‘worst dressed.’ It’s happened many, many times, but I’m proud of those outfits. I don’t follow trends. I’m just not into what everyone else is wearing. I have my own look, which I call ‘Lolita meets old Hollywood Glam.’ I’m a big fan of Dita Von Teese, because she does it all herself. That is her job: to look fabulous going to the grocery store. Cyndi Lauper is another favorite. She was just so out of her mind in the ’80s. It takes someone who has no limitations in style to create stuff that epic.”

- Katy Perry tells the new issue of Women’s Health

i can't not like her.

2009-03-18T11:36:00.002+08:00

splitter - disgruntled fool

march is usually a nice and friendly month.

this march, however, has been an utter disaster. all traces of passion, energy and dedication (or whatever that's left) has been been forcefully removed. i sit at the desk everyday praying for the phone to stop ringing, the people to stop bothering me and leave me to do my own stuff.

as much as i hate to quit when the going gets tough, i feel the great urge to quit.

i have complained enough and i shall not harp on the terrible past.

despite the misfortune, there is always something to rejoice about. words of encouragement. someone to actually complain to. the right to take a break whenever i feel like.

hah. the guangyang kids were great.

maybe my tummyache will persist for another day or two.

2009-03-07T01:13:00.002+08:00

splitter - fooled by murphy and his stupid theory

i was in a terrible mood today. especially when all the crappy stuff fell from the sky all at once.

the shower of misdirected anger.
the misunderstandings.
the random arrows.
the goddamn in camp training call up (it just had to be today -.-)
the 12th consecutive day im working.
the long lost fun times.
the disappointment.
the sudden reappearance.

i'm kinda out of my zone today.

and thus im taking a break tmr regardless.

can i close my eyes already?

2009-03-03T23:22:00.002+08:00

splitter - fooled by the default setting

i dunno but i feel a little reminiscent of how things were in the past. it is always hard to think about things in a totally different light.

time waits for no man. it slowly ticks away and eventually we just find that we all will exist in different places.

i don't know if i am ready for everything to be completely different. it always happen first. then i'll assess everything.

it is hard to banish every thought of my mind.

i have to disable that preset function first.

2009-03-01T09:21:00.002+08:00

splitter - fooled by that imaginary falling pillar

i don't know if i am ready to start all over again.

working is crushing me. like a falling pillar of stone.

but i always have a way out.

i always do. i hope.

2009-02-19T23:02:00.002+08:00

splitter - fooled by stress and excitement

the lines between stress and excitement are rather blurry.

i am feeling so much stress at the moment.
i have eons of stuff to do tmr.
i have 4 new quotations which i havent even gone thru yet.
i have 5 emails to send.
i have 1 analisa to deal with.
i have 3 payment vouchers to print.
i have calls to make to the teacher in charge, the guides. none have confirmed with me as of now.
i have adrian, fiona and lilian breathing down my neck all at the same time.
i have a weekend family getaway to arrange and i havent even ask my boss.
i have that big scheme that i need to hide from the world.
i have one more interview to do tmr.
i have my smu scholarship issue to settle.
i have my tuition notes to settle.
i have so much to worry about my teckwhye.
i have about 3cm in thickness of files to check if the gebiz has been awarded.
i have more emails to send to arrange for appointments.
i have natas travel fair to worry about.
i am feeling so much excitement at the same time.

i feel so competent. thank you.

i have discovered, to my dismay, that i can survive in this hellhole.

people tell me that i must be a fool for working so hard and earning so little. i think i am a fool, but i like to feel competent and indispensable.

and for that it's just sufficient to put a faint smile on my face.

2009-02-15T09:58:00.003+08:00

splitter - a fool's tribute

i hope he knows how important a friend he is to me. right from the start he was always there. he helped me when i needed his help. we were really close.

he was there to hear me whine about my complains. he was there to encourage me whenever i needed a little push. he was my listening ear.

yes sometimes he makes me go... -.- or >.<

but he always makes me =)

he is such a nice boy, and i think he deserves to have the best of everything. this intelligent, confident, charismatic and perfectly charming boy.

and now that he's gone off for a little while, i will miss him a lot.

but we will always be there for each other.

thanks. babe. bon voyage. and embrace the better future.

2009-02-14T16:25:00.002+08:00

splitter - a fool's valentine

it is a bad day, but not because it is valentine's day.

but more so because of how events play themselves out.

...
..
.

i told u that i hate festivities already.

P.S. i prefer silence. it saves me the trouble.

2009-02-08T23:23:00.002+08:00

splitter - fool in the centre

little gaps all over the place.

but today. just today. i don't feel like squeezing in between.

if everything feels the same few days from now, den i'll just stay outside the nice little circle.

i'll draw one myself. regardless of the size.

2009-02-08T00:55:00.002+08:00

splitter - a fool and a workaholic

a lot of good and bad things has happened since the last time i blogged.

i am now a proud owner of a bb bold, a bally wallet, a burberry polo and many other peripherals.

the bad news is that now i am 1k poorer.

...

and i am absolutely busy.

haha. i do feel accomplished after working at my current workplace for like 5 weeks. i have achieved a lot. a promotion and increment even! but.... i am so so so exhausted. so much for the additional money and prestige.

its great that im feeling more confident about myself now.

no more sitting in the background and shutting my mouth.

now it is all about opening up more doors and stepping into them with a smile on my face.
.
..
...
..
.

and a hidden knife in my pocket.

2009-01-25T22:07:00.003+08:00

splitter - fooled by spring cleaning

it is the eve of the chinese new year, and yes i do have to pack up my entire room.

and that is when i begin to pack everything that doesn't belong to me into one Springfield paper bag to be stashed away at one corner.

and that is when i start to feel a little nostalgic, uneasy and slightly uncomfortable.

unfortunately, its not like i can change anything.

so i did what i had to do and continued with my work.

i'm not retrieving that bag of fond or possibly bad memories again.it could go either way and i'm too tired to bother anymore.

2009-01-21T21:36:00.003+08:00

splitter - fool at work

you suspect that it is a bad day in the office when you drop the hole-puncher and scatter the small paper bits on the carpeted floor the first thing in the morning.

you slowly believe that it is a bad day when all the emails u have sent starts bouncing back. and people imply that the problem is with you, when in actual fact, the email address they provided was wrong in the first place.

you confirmed that it is indeed a bad day when your colleague told u to report for work at 8am everyday from now onwards even though it was agreed upon that work starts at 8.30am. yes half an hour of sleep in the morning is very important.

you realised that the day is getting worse when people start expecting you to answer every single call and when you don't, start blaming you.

you know the worst is yet to be when a customer calls you at 6.30, saying that she will arrive at 7, but you find yourself stuck in the office at 7.30, wondering where in the world the customer is.

you finally encounter the worst bit when you realised that half the office is on leave from fri until february.

on a separate note, i can't bring myself to log into facebook. that make the day all that much worse.

no more magic.

2009-01-18T15:58:00.003+08:00

splitter - fooled by homecoming

homecoming tmr.

hc has granted me my first sales. how apt.

i am excited. nostalgic and a wee bit fearful.

i realised that i do miss many things from bukit timah.

tower block.
canteen food.
staff room.
terraces.
mph.

class bench.
lab lessons.
library.
brown uniform.
audi and LTs.

time flies.

but still, i *heart* hc.

2009-01-17T23:54:00.002+08:00

splitter - flashback of a fool

it's like it's everywhere. when i stare at the poster. when i put coins inside my dog version of a piggy bank. when i scan through my wallets. when i off the lights and lie on my bed every night. when i type on my dad's macbook. when i turn on the aircon. when i stare at my phone blankly.

the truth is that it's nowhere to be found.

i feel like breaking the legs of the table. snatching the white piece back. but up this very moment. i guess i can never do it.

and we both know why.

2009-01-10T12:05:00.004+08:00

everytime i try my best to show how much it matters to me, i am always disappointed.

indifference, ambivalence.

i feel so lousy.

its like i don't even matter anymore.

i am friggin discouraged.

2009-01-01T11:32:00.003+08:00

splitter - fooled by the new year's resolution

it is a strange way to start a new year.

disappointed.

somehow i realised the urgent need to rely upon oneself more than usual this year. i keep believing that things will work out the way i want them to, but it hasn't exactly been a slightest bit smooth-sailing.

i have figured out what i want but now comes the time for me to assert it. i have to tell it to myself how much i need to restrain and compartmentalise and not let anything affect me the way it has over the past year.

it is a different life now, and the only way to make it better is to ignore and disregard.

with that in mind, i have a new resolution for the year. no more disappointment.

2008-12-29T22:31:00.002+08:00

splitter - fooled by terabite pt.2

i must be sufficiently disgusted to actually post about whatever i am going.

and yes i have reached that level.

30 Rock Season 1,2,3
BSG Season 1,2,3
TAR Season 11,12
Survivor Season 16
Desperate Housewives 501-510
Brothers & Sisters 301-310
Gossip Girl 201-212
Chuck 201-210
Prison Break Season 2,401-416
Heroes 301-313
Fringe 101-110
DSM 201-206
Private Practice 201-210
Grey's Anatomy 501-510
Ugly Betty 301-310
Wall.E
Sisterhood of Travelling Pants 2
Tropic Thunder
Horton
Mamma Mia
ALL MY GOD DAMN MUSIC

all... vapourised when my damn old maxtor basic craphole decided to stall and hang. It has since been rendered useless.

Worse still, i had the decency to attempt to recover all my lost data @ some really competitive and powerful data recovery firm @ Ubi called greenergy and they had the cheek to quote me a price of $2300.

i think they really can just kiss my ass.

2008-12-28T00:41:00.002+08:00

splitter - fooled by katy perry

you have no idea how much i adore katy perry. lol.

i know her live singing is bad, but she has her wonderful style that is all so eclectic and unique. she is the ultimate blast from the past.

haha. and she's such a darling with her perky glares and awkward poses. just makes her all the more different from the rest, standing out among the crowd.

And even though the covers of her many songs (which can be found on youtube) sounds better vocally when sung by other random internet sensation, she has that raw edge in her voice that identifies with her personality and the lyrics.

shes's just the best.

haha. i love katy perry to bits.

2008-12-20T22:55:00.003+08:00

splitter - fooled by fidelity

i stole the car again on friday and took it out for a night spin again. and it felt really nice just to cruise on the roads with melancholic music filling the enclosed car in its entirety. i'm gonna do it again.

life has been unsuprisingly routine. job seeking. surfing. sleeping. running.

at least there's occasional lapses of excitement. like when i see a matching pair of bally shoes and wallet. like when i see that preppy polo jacket. like when i see that g-star grey sports jacket. like when i went for that night drive the other day.

i'm so glad i got my license on my first. yeah.

2008-12-14T01:07:00.004+08:00

splitter - fooled by a sneaky little trap

i have this biggest issue sitting on my shoulders now. and basically its the source of whatever misery (except jobsearching) i have now.

this is a character flaw and it is innate. and the only way to rid myself of the stupid misery is to do the obvious.

except that it is way harder than it looks.

it is indeed difficult to crawl out once one has fallen into this sneaky little trap.

2008-12-11T23:33:00.002+08:00

splitter - fooled by a happy ending

yes, i know the pink card's gonna fall into my laps in less than 12 hours from now. i'm supposed to be a bundle of joy, excitement and optimism all weaved together. yet i'm not exactly feeling the part of a happy and free bird.

i keep having these moments where i kinda regret my actions only to be shot right back in the face. and admittedly i do acknowledge the villainous role that i played in this entire incident. only that regret might not be enough?

despite all the crap, it is truly a time to celebrate.

i have endured the toughest two years of my life, and i'm pretty much ready to embrace the possibly crappier days ahead.

i have gained, both good and bad, and im ready for more.

so bring it on.

2008-12-07T23:08:00.003+08:00

splitter - fooled by my alter ago

Ronald so need to type in third person when he is irritated.

Ronald is slightly pissed. Yes, Ronald knows that he is careless, rash and abrasive but all he needed was some form of support or a little squeeze on the back. Instead Ronald mostly got a whole flurry of critical remarks from all kinds of people. Like he still needs salt in his wounds after wasting 500 dollars on a stupid mistake he made. Ronald is sorry, but he feels he deserve better.

Ronald is so over talking with anyone today or tomorrow. He needs to stay cooped up in his little world to recuperate and hopefully become more careful, patient and polite in the near future. Worry not, Ronald is doing COS on Hari Raya so he can stay silent for most of the day. Ronald will pull through the day to come.

Only one person was the hero in this instant. Thank you.

Anyway, back to the first person format, it is awfully unnerving to have some form of 'stiff' competition, but at the same time, it kinda revived a certain spark that has been mellowing in recent months. i am starting to truly appreciate certain things for what they are.

Yes, i got a damn front car bumper as my own Christmas Present. hooray. thanks to my impulsive nature and bad skills. hurhur.

2008-12-06T14:23:00.002+08:00

splitter - very foolish

blame it on myself.

Problem No.1
i got duped by this very pretty voice over the phone that i had a good job offer coming my way. she sounded so sincere, and sweet, and everything positive. and then i went there in a 15 dollar cab ride, filled up some forms, personality tests whatsoever, and then she came smacking the truth in my face. REMUMERATION = $6/h and no overtime. 5 days a week from 8.30 to 6. (which works out to a little more than $1000 a month) how deceitful.

Solution No.1
i very politely asked for a few days to mull over the offer. needless to say I'm so not replying.

Problem No.2
there was this really unnecessary anniversary parade cum get-together session on friday night. we had to set up this heritage corner, and that pretty much suggests that we can only go home after 10pm. No, im not spending more money on cab fares and time waiting for cabs.

Solution No.2
i stole my dad's car and drove it to camp. without his knowledge.

Problem No.3
there was this slight problem just approx. 3 hours ago. i parked my car head in, into the friggin narrow lot, and while reversing out this morning, i very casually rammed the front bumper into the adjacent pillar, resulting in a fallout situation. A LITERAL FALL OUT situation. i'm so dead.

Solution No.3
i blew 500 bucks just to get it repaired.

how very foolish of me.

2008-12-01T21:13:00.002+08:00

splitter - fooled by spare time

usually i try not to complain too much. but this is getting on my nerves. I friggin need a job. I don't wanna get stuck in limbo after ord, with my cash reserves running dry and i'm like dying of boredom. and for the last time. no. i don't wanna be a relief teacher at Chinese High. not even allowed to toy with that idea.

basically, life is quite 'hellish'. its not the typical hell that i usually go through, where you're soaking wet and outfield and covered in mud and camou cream. its the boredom that im fighting. yes, i can't even believe i'm complaining about the excess free time i have (i deserve a slap, yes i do.), but whats the point of all the spare time when there's nothing to do?!?!

just like what my friend said the other time, ord is starting to feel like an anti-climax. when the day eventually come, i'd probably not be feeling relieved, happy nor excited. i've already felt that like 2 months back. its more of a 'thank god its here finally.' kind of feeling.

kay i know im rambling.

anw on a lighter note, i have been thinking about what kind of nice hairstyle i need to reward myself after i ord. haha. and i want chace crawford's hair! or thomas dekker's! or jesse mccartney's! and i feel like highlighting. but ... oh well, i also dun feel like doing it cos its really expensive at the same time.

damn!

i'm really pissed.

2008-11-21T22:40:00.002+08:00

splitter - fooled by the very depressing labour market

now i have a driver's license. despite taking the stupid test in horrible rainy weather.

now that my ord is imminent, i feel the urgent need to go grab a high-paying nice working hours job. i am a very demanding employee.
1.i need my salary to be high.
2.i need to have at least 8 hours of sleep and i cannot sleep before 12.
3.i have to end work by 7 so i can eat before 8pm so that i won't grow any fatter.
4.i need the job to be prestigious or least look the part.
5.i need my weekends off, so maybe i can teach tuition still.
6.i need my employers to be totally unlike my current employer.

i thought i kinda sealed one potentially nice job at some travel agency where i get a whole lot of money and doing almost nothing the whole time. den the terrible credit crisis came and stayed and kinda blew my chance of landing that job away. damn.

i think i'm pretty much a terrible person. lol.
its no wonder that im still unemployed.

2008-11-14T22:30:00.002+08:00

splitter - fooled by bad situation

top ten hated situations.

10.awkward silence in a room with people you hate, or have a terrible history with.
9.someone cutting my queue.
8.waiting for anyone or anything beyond my threshold waiting time.
7.being nice yet unappreciated.
6.suffocated alive by cigarette smoke especially when i have an ongoing sinus problem.
5.constantly being deprived of my privacy.
4.bowing down to someone solely due to authority
3.being accused when innocent.
2.stuck in a damn cage like a pet parrot
1.saying yes even though i have 1001 reason to say no.

2008-11-13T22:31:00.002+08:00

splitter - fooled by a dearth of presence

it has been mildly depressing to see people come late and leave early. its not exactly missing them so much; the difficulty lies in adapting to their absence.

'what to do, it's my own fault that landed me where i am now.'

suddenly you can almost hear a pin drop.

at least on the much brighter side, i get a whole load more freedom inside this conforming cage that i reside in on a daily basis.

it is really difficult to express the actual state of mind in the form of words.

2008-11-07T21:49:00.002+08:00

splitter - fooled by envy

i've had multiple complaints over the past month, but i chose to maintain my silence due to a combination of reasons which include the lack of time, inspiration and a teeny bit of sensitivity. i've since buried the evils and laid them to rest. it is time for a new chapter.

anw. november is the month of envy. -.-"
enough said.

2008-10-27T12:49:00.001+08:00

splitter - fooled by the LOST trailer

i just can't wait.

2008-10-06T22:12:00.002+08:00

splitter - fooled by terror bite

i bought the one terabyte disc drive on sunday and managed to transfer all my videos over just before my lappy crashed on me. yes, it just crashed all of a sudden, without a warning. now i'm having trouble retrieving my 16 gb collection of songs since i was procrastinating with regards to the transfer of the itunes folder.

now im gonna have to splash more cash.

iMac.
iPod Touch.
Macbook Pro.

my christmas, new year and birthday bonus. all gone.

2008-09-23T21:13:00.003+08:00

splitter - fooled by the emmys and the tubeys

double entry! i must be feeling quite talkative. -.-

the emmys came and went, and basically, the award show cum presentation was such a bore. it was cheesy and distasteful and i thought the hosting was crappy. besides, the quality of most drama and comedy series (that i religiously tune in to) had declined significantly; grey's anatomy (GA), ugly betty, brothers and sisters just to name a few. in general, television from Jan 08 to Aug 08 was BAD. period.

i was rooting for LOST cos i thought it was one of the best improved series over the course of the year. Season 2 of Lost was just disastrous. They introduded the tailies, then killed them off one by one and by the first quarter of S3, all were dead, save Bernard who was pretty much a secondary character. Then came Michael Emerson aka Benjamin Linus aka Jeepers Creepers in baggy shirt and pants, who pretty much turned the whole series around. and the spectacular flashfowards. the concept of giving the answers without revealing the questions and the inbetween was a blast. it was so fun to watch.

unfortunately neither Lost, nor Michael Emerson or Terry O'Quinn(locke) won at the Emmys.

i was also rooting for Sandra Oh and Chandra Wilson of GA, but mostly for Dr Bailey. she was kickass yet emotionally vulnerable for most of the S4, which usually draws the voters and the audience but not enough in this case. Thou Jean Smart was really not too bad herself. so it wasn't that much of a disappointment for me.

And Tina Fey and Amy Poehler were cute together on a third occasion (at the start of the show) after Baby Mama and SNL. LOL.

enough said about the Emmys and now for the Tubeys.
(The Tubeys originated from TWoP. It is an Internet-based award that acknowledges the best, worst, most improved and insane shows, character and moments in television for that particular year as voted by TV fans.)

Some really interesting and funny results. (Category: selected nominees, winner)

Best New Show: Chuck, Gossip Girl (GG), Dirty Sexy Money, Sarah Connor, Mad Men, Pushing Daisies
Best Returning Show: 30 Rock, Battlestar Galactica, Dexter, House, Supernatural, Lost
Best Drama: Brothers & Sisters(BnS), Dexter, House, Lost, Supernatural, Battlestar Galactica
Best Comedy: Pushing Daisies, Chuck, The Office, 30 Rock
New Series with the Most Wasted Potential: Private Practice, Bionic Woman
Most Overrated Show: GG, Lost, American Idol (AI), Heroes, Grey's Anatomy (GA)
Most Improved Show: Lost
Least Improved Show: Heroes
Best Competitive Reality Show: AI, Top Model (ANTM), SYTYCD, Survivor, The Amazing Race (TAR), Runway
Worst Reality Show: Moment of Truth, A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila
Guiltiest Pleasure Show: AI, GG ANTM
Most Appalling Reality TV Star: Tila Tequila
Most Appealing Reality TV Star: Chris March (Runway), David Cook (AI)
Most Egregiously Offensive Reality Show: Moment of Truth
Best Reality TV Moment: David Cook wins AI
The 'Why the Rest of the World Hates Us(America)' Award: A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila
Favourite Character: Blair (GG), Sawyer (Lost), Dr House (House), Barney Stinton (How i Met your Mother)
Least Favourite Character: Kate (Lost), Jack (Lost), Meredith (GA), Izzie (GA)
Most Unwelcomed Character: Nurse Rose (GA) 'Tears of Poison' Maya (Heroes)
Most Redemptive Character in a Sucky Show: Dr Bailey (GA)
Character Most in Need of Being Killed Off: Izzie (GA), Kate (Lost), Jack (Lost), Maya (Heroes)
Best Badass: Casey (Chuck), Ben (Lost), Blair (GG), Sayid (Lost)
Best Villain: Sylar (Heroes), Ben (Lost)
Worst Relationship: Jack & Kate (Lost), Peter & Caitlin (Heroes), Gizzie (GA)
Best Acting Cast: 30 Rock, BnS, Lost, Mad Men, Battlestar Galactica
Favourite Actress: Tina Fey (30 Rock)
Least Favourite Actress: Katherine Heigl (GA)
Most Ludicrous Plotline: Rebecca isn't a Walker (BnS), McDreamy & Rose (GA), George & Izzie falling in love(GA)
Best Season Finale: Battlestar Galactica, GA, House, Lost
Best 'Hell-Yeah!' Moment: Desmond & Penny reunited on Lost
Best one-liner: 'I'm Chuck Bass.' by Chuck on GG, 'Shut up and let me work.' by Christina on GA, 'So?' by Ben on Lost.
Worst Crime Against Fashion: Chris March's Runway Collection dress made of human hair, Serena's Maid of Honor Dress on GG, Jack's Beard on Lost
Most Ergegious Product Placement: Coca-Cola on AI

some of them are just outta this world. lol.

i just love TWoP.

2008-09-23T20:52:00.002+08:00

splitter - fooled into thinking that lady luck is here to stay

i need to unofficially announce the loss of my wallet. dun ask me how i did it. somehow i just managed it. and the horrible part is, i have actually lost my wallet ~5-6 times ever since i bought it about 3 years ago.

once, i left it in a toilet cubicle at a shopping mall (parkway parade) while shitting (obviously) and forgot to take it before leaving. i realised my folly less than an hour later, but by then it was gone. so i went to make a report at the info counter and then the police station. another hour passed and surprisingly i received a call from the info counter informing me that someone had dumped my wallet into the rubbish bin after emptying it of some valuables. they include some dumb membership cards and probably 20 dollars. i was glad to get my wallet back nonetheless.

two times lucky again. i left my wallet at some counter after making a purchase at some random store at vivocity. then upon reaching harbourfront mrt, i realised that my wallet was gone and i immediately knew where it was, so i just rushed back to the store. and there it was waiting for me. thank god.

three times lucky lucky again. at parkway again and i left my wallet at another counter again. and fortunately, the same realization happened.

and a couple other times where i left my wallet on some chair but someone picked it up and chased after me to return it to me.

then came today. and i do not wish to say anything more.
(well at least the saga hasnt end so maybe. just maybe im lucky enough to find my wallet again.)

2008-09-16T19:58:00.002+08:00

splitter - fooled by tasty sandwiches

i hate to put it this way, but i feel that i'm really quite fortunate. yes, i do get to stay at home and watch all my tv shows and rent dvds. downloading demo games off the internet and playing for approx. 1 hour until they timed out. i appreciate my newfound freedom albeit short-lived.

on a separate note, its extremely exhausting being a sandwich. you have to cope with the feelings of both parties and at the same time, think in their shoes too. i can barely put my feet into my own shoe. i have to live with the sacarsm from one party and settle with the guilt and incapabilities of my part. its quite screwed up, but i'm still managing. hanging in there.

anw... i realised i do make a good disappearing act. i'm perfectly capable of just fading away, slowly but surely. i don't exactly have to let anyone know. its a quick escape and i like how it all works out.

i guess that's just in my nature.